Specifically, Deputy Darryl Beebe of the Garfield County Sheriff’s Office recently pulled over 54-year-old John Wayne Kellerman for driving 57 MPH in a 45 MPH zone. After what Beebe described as a “delayed response,” Kellerman finally pulled over.
Upon approaching the car, Beebe saw that Kellerman was almost completely naked, except for a thong bikini, with vaseline all over his body. According to the police report later filed by Beebe, an empty jar of Vaseline and a pornographic magazine was sitting next to Kellerman at the time. When asked what on earth was going on, Kellerman confessed that he had been masturbating.
Beebe then asked for his identification. Kellerman, who was reportedly trembling and appeared extremely nervous, complied with the officer’s request and promptly handed him a vaseline-covered Oklahoma identification card with his name on it.
Embarrassed, he grabbed a “semen rag” and offered it to Beebe so that he can wipe the jelly off of the card. Unsurprisingly, Beebe didn’t take him up on his offer. Instead, he returned to his patrol car and ran a check on Kellerman’s license and searched for any outstanding warrants.
Although he didn’t have any outstanding warrants, Beebe discovered that his license wasn’t valid. In fact, it apparently hasn’t been valid since April 1985. As a consequence, Kellerman was subsequently arrested and charged with “driving with an expired license” and “speeding.”
After being arrested, Sgt. Logan Niles reportedly showed up to the scene of the traffic stop to complete a vehicle inventory. In his report, he made sure to note that the driver’s side of the vehicle was “extremely greasy” due to the Vaseline.
Kellerman’s bail was set at $1,000, which has since been posted. His next court appearance will be on November 14th.
Sadly, officers have to deal with nude and semi-nude criminals on a regular basis. For example, earlier this month, security officers at the Quaker Bridge Mall in Lawrence Township, New Jersey received a call about a naked man pleasuring himself on a massage chair. Horrified, one of the mall’s guards rushed to the scene to confront the suspect, who was later identified as 51-year-old Joseph Michalski.
Upon arriving, the guard ordered him to put his clothes back on. The nude deviant, however, refused to comply. Instead, he lunged at the guard and punched him in the face. In response, the guard brought him to the ground and detained him until police arrived and slapped him in handcuffs.
In a statement shortly after arresting Michalski, Lt. Joseph Amodio, a spokesman for the Lawrence Township Police Department, failed to provide any more details about the situation. Instead, he simply said, “we got a report of a nude man pleasuring himself in the common area of the mall outside of Sears where there are massage chairs…A security officer told him to put on his clothes.” As of now, it’s unclear whether or not Michalski was on under the influence of any substances at the time.
And a month before that, police officers were forced to arrest Michelle Watkins, a 33-year-old woman from Junction City, California, after she was found sleeping naked inside a stranger’s home in Anderson, California. According to reports, she allegedly broke into the house, took a shower, and then fell asleep on the homeowner’s bed. She also made herself a sandwich, which she only took one bite of, drank a beer, and stole his cigarettes.
When the homeowner returned to his house, the first thing he saw was a ripped up package on sitting on his front porch with a knife lying nearby. He then went inside and found the strange woman sleeping in his bedroom. Alarmed, he woke her up and called 911.
By the time local police arrived at the house, she had gotten dressed and was sitting in a chair on the front porch. She was subsequently placed in handcuffs and taken to a nearby jail on suspicion of “residential burglary, petty theft and possession of stolen property” with bail set at $25,000.
In addition to Watkins, William Hanson, an 18-year-old man living in Prescott, Arizona, was also arrested last month after he too was found naked inside a stranger’s home. Apparently, Hanson licked a tab of acid and freaked out.
Out of all the crazy things that police officers have to deal with, masturbation and nudity are easily among the most unusual and disgusting. As seen with Kellerman, Michalski, Watkins, and Hanson, it’s also not too uncommon.